


Icarus.

by pacw0man



Series: If I. [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Flashbacks, Heartache, Heartbreak, M/M, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Messy Writing, Post-Relationship, Smoking, Unhealthy Relationships, cursing, explored my own feelings and ended up with this, idk i wrote this at 2am, somwhow seventeen ensemble, the rest of the members don't appear too much tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 02:43:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11637291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pacw0man/pseuds/pacw0man
Summary: "Mingyu is gone."Or the one where Wonwoo and Mingyu break up after months of fighting and Mingyu leaves without saying a word.





	Icarus.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this mess of feelings and heartbreak.  
> (non-bet readed, sorry for any mistake.)

"Mingyu is gone."

For the last few nights, that's all that occupies Wonwoo's mind once the lights are turned off.

"Mingyu is gone."

Everything seems like a blur now, days going on and on while Wonwoo tries to keep going. He really is trying. Really. He tries.

"Mingyu is gone."

But how can someone live when half of them is gone, gone without even saying goodbye? When had things gotten so bad that Mingyu had to leave without even saying goodbye to Wonwoo?

"Mingyu is gone."

The words weren't even directed to him, a whispered tragedy shared between friends in a way too loud dinner that had become quiet way too abruptly. Wonwoo knows, he knows it was because he had been sitting right beside Jisoo. He knows the words had only been muttered after Jeonghan had asked about the puppy-like boy whereabouts. He knows he shouldn't have evesdropped because it was not his style, he would rather not spy any of his friends. But he swears, everyone in the stuffy room had been quiet and even if he hadn't wanted to hear, it was like his ears and his world turned his whole attention in anything that had to do with Mingyu. He knows it had been barely a whisper, but to him, it had felt like a screeching noise in his ears, the most defeaning sound he had ever heard in his 21 years of life. Only ever topped by the loud crash of his heart breaking after that statement had been done, a sound only ever audible to him. The worst kind of pain following right after.

-

Mingyu and Wonwoo were never meant to be, and the affirmation leaves a sour aftertaste in Wonwoo's mouth, like when you want to throw up and the bilis rises up to your mouth, but instead of spitting it out, you swallow it for God knows why. Even though, Wonwoo thinks that's for the better. He thinks, alone in his room, he thinks all the words he wants to actually spit in Mingyu's face. He thinks about all the times spent together. He remembers the first few sweet months and the thinks about the apocalyptic months that had led them to finally break up, breaking the other while at it. It hadn't been pretty. It had been quite a sight.

Wonwoo has always been more of a thinker.

And since the night he knew Mingyu was gone, all that he had done has been thinking in the darkness of his room.

There had been a time when his room hasn't been this pitch black, he thinks again while he lifts his hand up in the air, trying to figure it out in the whole darkness of his room, only knowing where it is because he has been the one putting it there anyway. A time back, even in the darkness, plastic stars and invented constellations filled his ceiling because once, Mingyu thought that would be romantic. It had been pretty romantic and that night was spent naming stars and constellations.

When Wonwoo looks up, his eyes go directly to the place where their own constellation had been once, before his blind rage agaisn't the other had led him to rip apart all of the stars, and with them, a bit of Mingyu's heart.

Still, Wonwoo thinks, it's not enough. Still, he is angry at the younger. Still, he thinks about all the words he still wished he had a chance to spit at Mingyu.

(But down deep his heart screams, "you would do anything to see him one more time, even if it's to scream bloody murder at him". He chooses to bury his heart with what he thinks are more rational thinking. Anyway, that what he is better t, isn't he?).

-

Mingyu once accused him of being too cold. Too emotionally detached. He had said, words etched in Wonwoo's skull, they looked more like friends with benefits and less like boyfriends. Wonwoo had choosen to go away, instead. Maybe that's why Mingyu left without saying a word. Maybe that's why their relationship had failed in the first place.

-

Wonwoo is now inmersed in reading, again. He only ever leaves the safety of his room to get another book or to make himself another cup of tea to keep his nerves at bay. He can't even remember the last time he has had a proper meal or actual 8 hours of sleeping. Mingyu, the asshole, decided to leave on summer holidays, so Wonwoo doesn't even has the responsability of having to attend class. So he keeps burying himself in books, his room starting to look more and more like a library, avoiding the pitying looks on Soonyoung and Jihoon's face whenever they see him with yet another book and cup of tea and coming back to his room. He doesn't even look at mirrors, so he can't see the mess of a person Kim Mingyu has make of him.

He just wants to forget he has ever existed in his universe.

But thinking that only leds him to thinking about alternative universes, and he wonders in which one Mingyu and him actually end together forever and after, and when he finally picture them, he wants to scream. Sometimes, he does. Sometimes Wonwoo actually ends up full on breaking down, screaming and throwing books to the opposite wall, tears falling down his cheeks with no restrain, and even though he can almost feel the blood dripping down his vocal chords, he keeps screaming, because what does it matter if he never speaks again when he has already lost the reason to speak at all. Those times always end up with both Soonyoung and Jihoon barging through his door (and then he knows he has really scared the two, because even though it's been a week since he last was out, they respect his boundaries and space, and Wonwoo is, really, so damn grateful), eyes popping out and Jihoon quickly taking away anything that could hurt Wonwoo while Soonyoung holds him in place, whispering sweet nothings in his ear until he is reduced to a sobbing mess, clunching onto Soonyoung's tear stained shirt and having problem breathing properly. Sometimes he just passes out, sometimes he spent the whole night awake and cuddling Soonyoung, even though he doesn't even mutter a word. Because he doesn't even know what to say.

-

Wonwoo feels like he is Icarus, falling desperately and without stop to his death after flying way too high despite the warnings to not to. If Mingyu is Daedalus, the one who gave him wings to fly, or the Sun, who melted the wax on his back and ripped his wings from him, he doesn't know.

-

3 weeks with Mingyu being gone, and Wonwoo has found himself wearing the younger shirts to sleep after discovering they lull him to sleep and he somehow can get almost 7 full hours of sleep in his good days if he is wearing one. He wants and desperately thinks it's because they smell like baby clothes and sunshine and the smell always helps him. His heart, anways, screams at him that he only sleeps tight in them because he knows they once fitted perfectly over Mingyu's torso, the one where he used to fall asleep on. 

He always ignores his heart anyway, doesn't he?

If only he hadn't. If only, for once, he had heard to what his heart had to say. If he had held Mingyu tighter, held his hand longer, kissed his mouth harder. If he had said what his heart was screaming all those times they were together instead of only smiling because he was afraid. Why was he even afraid anymore? Two years and a half into their relationship and Wonwoo, who was pretty much in love, was still scared of falling. So much, he hadn't been able to see that Mingyu was actually holding him in place and Wonwoo was the one trying desperately to let go off Mingyu so he could fly too. When he finally was able to fly on his own, that was the time he had end up falling.

Mingyu had always been blunt and honest, brutally so. He had been the first to say "i love you", and the first to kiss. The first to declare he was in love, but also, the first to snap.

-

"We've been together for two years, Wonwoo." Mingyu had started saying, his voice dripping a coldness Wonwoo had never heard on the other male and he hadn't like it at all, deciding it would never suit Mingyu's sweet and charming character.

"I know it, Gyu. I treasure our time together." The words coming out of his mouth sounded foreign and present-Wonwoo just thinks how much of an idiot he is.

"Do you even love me, anyways?" Even if it's jut a memory, the question still leaves horrible goosebumps running up and down his spine, his blood stopping his run to let him looking pale, because every time he remembers he realises how bad of a boyfriend he had been all of that time. But instead of simply apolagizing and begging to Mingyu to believe when he says he loved him, past-Wonwoo decided to be a dick about it, not seeing that his boyfriend was in pain and in need of him. Blind with a rage that he once thought was directed to Mingyu to even dare to doubt his feelings but now knows that is had been directed to himself for being unable to show how much he cared and hating himself because, for the first time, he was scared he would lose Mingyu.

"Why are you being like this now?" Past-Wonwoo answered, voice rising and present-Wonwoo cringes at his tone.

"I just want to know it, Wonwoo. I only ask you to tell me that you love me, for fucks sake." The hurt dripped like honey from Mingyu's word, but all past-Wonwoo saw was his stupid smirk.

"Well," he started, and God, how he hated himself for his words. Their fights had been scalating more and more each time, not only in frequency but in the push and pull they put the other through, knowing very well each other weak points and where to hit to hurt the most. With every fight, they broke the other and their relationship a bit more, but it seemed like they enjoyed hitting the dying body of their love "I'm sorry I'm not a clingy needy brat that needs to make a show out of their love, you know?" A grimace sets itself on present-Wonwoo's face, just as he pictured the look of total defeat on Mingyu's eyes before it turned in something more vicious, more animalistic, before he was launching himself forward and almost caging past-Wonwoo with his body.

"Well," he started in a low voice, dangerous, but Wonwoo only lifted his chin higher in challenge, asking for the blow and the pain and the blood that would cover them at the end "at least I'm not some cold-hearted asshole who is too afraid to commitment and love that they would rather fight with their boyfriend than admitting they are in love just in case they could be end up hurting."

Wonwoo knows he should have kissed Mingyu to shut him up. He knows he should have apologize and hug Mingyu and beg for a forgiveness he didn't deserve. He knows he should have admitted his feeling right there and then. He should have done or said anything, but what he actually said.

"Maybe it's because i'm not in love with you."

-

The words had left a deep scar in both young hearts, but it had been the first of many other deadly stabs into their relationship. He still asks himslef, why? When what he feels has been always the total opposite. Wonwoo has fallen in love with Mingyu as soon as their eyes had meet across the suffy room.

-

Wonwoo doesn't know when he has started to smoke. He can't pinpoint the exact moment or the reason why he had ever first brought a cigarette to his lips. Maybe, he thinks, he just started doing it because he knew Mingyu hates it. Maybe he is just waiting for Mingyu to appear magically out of no where and take the goddamn thing out of his hand, stomping his foot stubbornly on it before glaring at Wonwoo.  
Maybe he just wanted an excuse. Or maybe he was aiming for a slow death.

All that he knows is that he is out for the first time in a month. Out being the balcony of his room, sitting on the hard ground and slowly smoking in the bitterness along with his heartbreak. For the first time, he let's himself be swallowed by the realization that he is heartbroken, pieces sticking painfully in parts of himself he can't even reach.

He pities himself while he breaths in, looking at flicker of the cigarette burn brighter, the warm orange that suddenly appears a nice contrast to the darkness of the night sky. He looks at the way the fire destroys the cigarrette slowly even if he doesn't do anything and thinks about his wings being snatched, about the Sun melting his wax, about Mingyu and how passionate he turned after every kiss and about how they relationship died even if they didn't do anything, just like his cigarette.

It begins to be unbearable to watch, so he turns to look at the night sky instead, neck hurting while he looks up in a strange angle but he thinks he deserves the pain. He looks at the stars, looks at the darkness until he can see that it's not black, but navy blue. He looks and sees a plane flying by, one moment there and then not and thinks about all the lives that keep on even when his is on standby since Mingyu is gone.

He doesn't even realizes he is crying until the two lone tears that had fallen out of his eyes are already by his long neck and going down. It's the first time he is crying since the break up, not counting those full on attacks he seemed unable to stop.

He thinks he doesn't even deserve to cry anyways.

He keeps looking at the stars, relishing in this moment of harmony with himself because for once he can call his feelings by their names and it's all too much, but it's still good. And a few more tears fall.

He thought the first time he would cry about all of this would be dramatic, whole body collapsing, yet he is calm. Maybe it's because his heart and mind are giving him a break. Maybe it's because it's 2:14 am and doesn't want to disturb anyone.

Maybe it's because he has just realized that he never wanted someone to love him so much they could die for him, but for someone to love him right.

Mingyu had loved him so much, and it had been dramatic and messy and heartbreaking.

He still wants Mingyu to love him, just right. But he knows it is gonna impossible now.

His head feels lighter than ever, realizations hitting him from all the right angles and he cries a bit more in silent. He takes another drag from his cigarette, the last one before throwing it away while he looks at the stars. Can they feel his pain? He tried to read, follow that myth about shit being written in the stars, and searches for him and Mingyu, but he was never good at reading anything that wasn't books, so he just wills his body to stand up, even though the thought of just falling asleep on the balcony feels okay, and throws himself in his bed, hands clinging to fabric of his shirt.

He dreams for the first time in a long time and he dreams of flying and the Sun.

-

When Mingyu appeared on his life, he was wearing a light blue shirt and a million dollars smile that could battle the Sun. It had been on the same place that he is now sitting on, on the living room of Seokmin's and Seungkwan's shared apartment, in a huge gathering to celebrate the best friends moving in together. Wonwoo's eyes had landed on Mingyu's silhouette from the moment he had entered, like he was a magnet and Wonwoo some kind of metal.

Now, he is really out for the first time in a month and a half since Mingyu had gone away, God knows where, this time they are celebrating that Hansol and Seungkwan are moving out together and the room is a lot less stuffy, this time only his closest friends gathered. But to Wonwoo, even if there are another eleven bodies in the room, it feels empty and cold, because it's not right if it's not the thirteen of them. It's not right if Mingyu isn't sitting by his side on the love seat, hand heavy on his thigh and his shoulders bumping every time they shake with laughter.

Three years ago, they had meet for the first time, Wonwoo has fallen in love in the moment their eyes had locked, Mingyu resting agaisn't the doorframe he is currently looking at. He blinks, and suddenly Mingyu isn't there anymore.

He wishes to be the one celebrating he is moving out with Mingyu instead. 

He is totally aware of the careful tension that seems to have his friends sending sympathetic looks his way, and he hates every second of it. But he couldn't miss the huge step his younger friends were taking in their relationship, not even if he wished to be recluded in his room instead, cuddling his pillow and wanting to die instead of celebrating other people's love. But these are Hansol and Seungkwan, so he will swallow his pain and tears and just wait, wait until the night is over and he can be back.

Still, he feels somehow content, becuase his friends soom change their dynamics and stop looking at him with pity, the room filling again with laughter, screams and childish puns that, he admits, he has missed so much. It has been months since all of them were together without a hint of tension lingering in the air, all aware of the ticking bomb in both Mingyu's and Wonwoo's hands and waiting for it to explode. He is really ashamed of all the times Mingyu and him had ended screaming at each other in presence of their friends. But his friends show him only support, treating him as they always did, including him in their jokes even if all he could do was to weakly smile at them. He catches Jeonghan and Jisoo filling his plate more than usual, and he doesn't complain when, at some point, Chan and Seokmin sit by his side, both of them cudddling him without even mention nothing about.

And he is more than grateful that none mentions a thing when he spaces out, eyes fixed at some point where he had memories and secrets shared with Mingyu, eyes shinning a bit, before he focuses back on the loud bantering between Seungcheol and Seungkwan.

But he knows not everything can go smoothly for him. That's why he isn't even surprised when Minghao slips in the seat next to him outside, when he takes a break to smoke because he craves Mingyu's lips and arms, but this is the only addiction he can afford now.

Minghao, who had become Mingyu's best friend. Minghao, who had looked at him like he wanted him to die many times. Minghao, who he had been jealous of many times in the past. He is waiting for the younger to punch him, but instead, he only speaks.

"Now you smoke?" his accented voice fills the air, and when the smoke exits Wonwoo's lungs and mouth, he can only nod. "Why?" He questions again.

"Just because." He doesn't even know how he finds his voice, but it doesn't sound steady at all, and he can't have a breakdown with Mingyu's best friend.

"Mingyu would hate it." He says, like it's the most normal thing in the world, but Wonwoo freezes at the words.

"Mingyu isn't here anymore." He whispers, voice shaking because it's the first time he says those words out loud, and fuck it hurts. Silence falls upon them, and Wonwoo sees Minghao playing with his sweater paws, probably thinking in his head what to say and how, but failing at it. So Wonwoo asks intead, "Did he say anything to you?" He wants to know, needs to know if he was the only one Mingyu had left behind without uttering a word to, and when the chinese shakes his head, he feels somehow relieved.

"But I talked to him." Minghao adds after another bit of silence. "I... needed a reason. He... is my best friend."

"I know, Mingyu loves you." Wonwoo easily assures Minghao, thinking that this is the least he could do for the younger.

"Hyung," Minghao calls and his voice is unsure about his next words, but soon he puts on a determined face and keeps going. "hyung, I used to hate you." Those are his first words an Wonwoo lets out a bitter laugh, because he still hates himself. "I hated you every time I had to go after Mingyu because you wouldn't, and he was crying and it was all messy. And God, is Mingyu an ugly and messy crier," he said, lightly amused and Wonwoo has to chuckle a bit and agree with him, because Mingyu really is "and I would ask him, why? Why do you keep coming back to Wonwoo if he hurts you like this? If you both hurt the other so much, why would you keep coming back for more?" Wonwoo knows Minghao is right. Was. Whatever. But still finds himself listen closely, waiting for his next words. "Do you know what he said every time, hyung?"

Wonwoo shakes his head and prepares himself mentally for the blow.

"He alwways said that he loved you, so damn much. And that was the reason why it hurt so bad." Minghao's voice is not even a whisper, but with the way Wonwoo is holding his breath in, is more than enough. "He said that if he could hate you, he would. But he could never hate you in a million lifetimes."

"Well," talks again, before letting his brain process the words exactly and while the sting starts to spread on his body, the pain making it's way into him again "he did end up hating me anyway. Enough to go away without even saying goodbye." his voice is shaky, and his whole body is starting to shake too, and he isn't prepare for Minghao's next words. He could never be, so accommodated in the idea of Mingyu hating his guts to death enough to never see him again in his life (and it was easier to bear his heartbreak like that).

"He doesn't hate you, hyung. In fact... when I talked to him..." Minghao sighs like if saying this is taking a toll on him. As if he shouldn't say this words to him "he told me that he loves you, so much, hyung. He is so in love with you that he couldn't bear the pain he saw in your eyes after evry fight. What hurt him most, at the end, wasn't your words, but your hurting. So he went away so he couldn't hurt you anymore," tars are falling freely down his face now, trying desperately to choke his sobs so Minghao can continue speaking and his cigarette long forgotten and death on the floor. Minghao reaches a hand a runs it down Wonwoo's hair in a comforting manner "but i don't think he thought well enough, because now you are hurting so much more. And he is too. But he told me that I had to take care of you, hyung." Even after all, Mingyu had been more worried about Wonwoo's well being than anything, and it hurt like a bitch to Wonwoo, who let himself feel totally broken finally, falling in Minghao's arms and choking on his tears and sobs while the younger hug him tight. "Will you let me take care of you, hyung? For Mingyu." Minghao whisper on his ear and almost screams in a pain so unbearable he doesn't even think he is gonna be able to move anymore, he feels like he is finally dying in the arms of the chinese male. But he only nods frantically in Minghao's hold, tightening his hold and he knows for sure he must be hurting the chinese, but he only holds him tighter in response too, like he is trying to hold his pieces together.

Mingyu had been the Sun all along, but he didn't melt the wax on his back. Wonwoo had ripped his wings raw himself and had realized only now.

**Author's Note:**

> So... yeah. That's it. I don't know if I should write another part, maybe show Mingyu's pov or something like that. I would like to know what you think.  
> This has been hard to write because I've reflected myself so much on Wonwoo (hint: the scene on the balcony? Yep, that's totally something that i had done tbh), but it was fun. I enjoyed it.  
> You can talk to me on twitter, my user is @_lgtbtob (yes you can swear at me for putting this two angels through so much pain-also i'm searching for more carats mutuals tbh).
> 
> Please, leave kudos and comments (so i know if i should add a part two or not)  
> Thank you so much for reading my mess.


End file.
